If
you have been of the rigid school of thought that you have to date only
people who are exactly like you, then you may have to think again.
Illustrative photo
Throughout my misadventures as a serial dater and love seeker, I’ve
developed a taste for a certain type. And while it might not have been
intentional, if I were to put my last four lovers in a police lineup,
it’d be hard for strangers to tell them apart. Physically, they’re
similar—lanky, rugged, with a mess of tresses and a boyish charm;
emotionally, they’re nearly identical—inconsistent, manic, cold,
distant, intense, whimsical, and dark.
Somehow, I’ve developed a sixth sense for seeking out man-children
who could have once appeared on an Abercrombie and Fitch bag and might
inspire psychologists to use the words “borderline” or “narcissistic personality.”
It’s hard to say why, after each miserable breakup, I went back for
more of the same and sought similar traits in new lovers, but I did.
That’s the definition of insanity, right? And yet the problem was, my
predilection for emotionally unsympathetic men with commitment issues
and big arms and good hair was never apparent to me. At least, it wasn’t
until I eventually met someone different, someone who would stand out
of a lineup of my exes like the sorest thumb.
For that very reason, when we first met, I wasn’t interested. It
didn’t matter that he was polite and present, tender and honest; he
didn’t play an instrument, he didn’t write poetry in his spare time, and
he didn’t have a Netflix addiction. It was a hard no for me. What could
we possibly have in common? I thought to myself as I sat across from
him. I was closed and judgmental, sizing him up against my usual
suspects. For weeks I ignored his attempts at plan-making. I swiped away
his sweet messages and turned up my nose at the lack of boxes he
checked off. “I know what I like,” I told my friends, who encouraged me
to give him a shot. “It’s never worked out with the kind of person you
like,” they humbled me.
This rang true enough for me to decide to get in touch with a
certified sex and relationship coach Myisha Battle to talk more about
types and why it’s so hard to break our own molds. She told me that a
lot of our issues with type-casting our partners is that we get warm
feelings for things that are familiar—despite the fact that familiar is
not always synonymous with good.
“A lot of our attraction to our partners is due to our
unconscious roles we developed in childhood. We are often drawn to
partners who feel comfortable to us and have similar values,” she explained.
Once I understood this and saw Mr. Not the Same again, things
changed. His differences registered as attributes. His individuality was
not out-of-line, but, rather, intoxicating. Giving him a second chance
was more than a second date, it was ending a non-functioning cycle of
insanity in my life. My new response to this person who seemed so far
from the type with whom I thought I was meant to be, felt incredibly
evolved and progressive. Like I had broken a curse I’d placed on myself.
The more time I spent with him, the more my perception of compatibility
expanded. After a few dates, I felt like someone who was colorblind but
was now seeing every individual color of the rainbow and each delicate
shade in between. And at the same time, I was mad at myself for wasting
so much time chasing my mistakes in circles. That said, according to
Battle, a lot of these tendencies stem from childhood and are
subconsciously ingrained in our programming.
Battle further explains:
"We all carry the roles we play out in our family into our
relationships. For instance, if your family is very argumentative, you
might be as well, or you might be the mediator or pleaser that tries to
help everyone see each other’s side. While these are totally natural
traits to have, they may affect who you choose to partner with. You may
find yourself attracted to argumentative, strong personality types of
people. Does it feel natural to play out your role with them? Sure, but
is it the role you actually want to play in your romantic relationship?
When you step out of your comfort zone, you will discover new ways to be
with other people. Dating outside your type is one way you can do
this."
We’re so worried about expanding ourselves and the risk of opening
up to the unknown that we’re more comfortable living within a provincial
mentality. But dating someone outside of your type not only has the
potential to open up your romantic opportunities, but it challenges you
personally and gives you an opportunity to grow within yourself, too.
“Being able to date outside your type is quite freeing. It
allows you to look at others holistically rather than as a series of
ideal qualities and exposes you to a whole new perspective. It can also
be really exciting to learn about other ways of living that aren’t
informed by our own value systems,” Battle encourages.
So this year, consider getting rid of the boxes and erasing the
confining parameters of your “type.” Give someone new a shot, someone
you don’t immediately understand. Maybe for you, this means swiping
right instead of left or saying “yes” to that second date you’re tempted
to skip. Open yourself up to someone who makes you giddily shake your
head and wonder how you ended up where you are. Let people surprise you,
and surprise yourself not just with who they are, but with who you are
destined to be.
***
- Written by Kaitlyn Wylde via Nylon
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