A Nigerian has reacted to the alleged discovery of monies in accounts belonging to ex-First Lady, Patience Jonathan.
Patience Jonathan
Is Nigeria accursed? I can’t say no. But I’m sure Nigeria is sick.
Nigeria is empty like a vase without flowers. Some retrogressive forces
won’t just stop doing a number on her. She is not Midas. Midas was a
man. Everything Nigeria touches rusts. When life-changing ideologies,
products, concepts arrive in Nigeria, they die. It is curious, but this
is the way we crookedly are. The interiors of our airplanes are like the
sties of drunken pigs. Our highways are pathways to the grave. Our
vehicles are coffins. Our telephony is bedlam. Our medicines kill. Our
fuel fuels chaos. Our schools devalue. The few concepts and products
that remain true to form include arms, ammunition, hard drugs,
prostitution and ‘yahoo-yahoo’.
What’s yahoo? Long before it became popular in the US in 1994 when
Jerry Yang and David Filo coined Yahoo from the phrase, “Yet Another
Hierarchically Organised Oracle,” the word ‘yahoo’ had an etymological
meaning traceable to the 18th Century when Jonathan Swift made it
popular in his work, Gulliver’s Travels. In the novel, Swift refers to a
yahoo as a brute in a human form. Aside from the backronym, “Yahoo,”
which is the language of the internet, and yahoo’s etymological
connotation of brutishness, the word has been bastardised in Nigeria.
Yahoo, in the street parlance of the young, urbane Nigerian youths, has
nothing to do with the limitless benefits and possibilities of the
Internet. Like our Midas-to-rust penchant, the word, “yahoo”, has
assumed the toga of an internet horror in Nigeria. Someone said
ex-Nigerian footballer, Jay Jay Okocha, was so good that his parents
named him twice. Could it thus be said that the sorrows inflicted on
victims by young Nigerians who engage in internet fraud called
‘yahoo-yahoo’ are so grievous that the cyberfraud was named twice?
I became sick the other day I listened to an online audio war
between some ‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys and their female sidekicks popularly
referred to as Olosho! This recent coinage, olosho, has no root in
pristine Yoruba language and culture. Olosho is another name for a
young, aggressive, urbane prostitute. In the online exchange that is now
viral, the voice of a young lady comes up, lamenting the rate at which
‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys were killing oloshos for money-making rituals. The
lady advised fellow oloshos to ‘wise up’ and be ready to ensnarl, fleece
and kill ‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys, too. Later, the voices of some
‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys came up, cursing and lambasting oloshos, in general.
The ‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys vehemently reaffirmed their vow to kill more
oloshos for money rituals, stressing that oloshos ‘come for the money o’
and would do anything to sleep with as many as possible ‘yahoo-yahoo’
boys. Without a speck of compunction, the boys wantonly bragged about
killing people and using their heads for money rituals, relishing the
prospects of getting more heads to use for money rituals. This is the
bread of sorrow being eaten by our youths today.
But, is money ritualism real? I don’t think so. I’m not saying that
African juju is not efficacious. I’m only saying that it has its
limitations, and its limitation includes money ritualism. The noise
about the efficacy of money ritualism is balderdash. Our forefathers
once claimed that the gods told them to kill newborn twins and albinos.
While this inhuman act persisted, sacrifices were made to the gods, and
people rejoiced after each sacrifice was ‘accepted’ by the gods. But
when the gods saw the firepower from the arsenal (not Arsene Wenger’s
Arsenal o) of the White man, they repented and became born again. If an
aborigine had told the elders of the time that it was inhuman to kill
twins and albinos, his head would have been severed in Imogun, the
Yoruba’s Place of Skulls. People’s beliefs aren’t always in tandem with
the will of God. Most often when people commit sin, they do so with
style and zeal. If African juju doesn’t have its limitations, why did
all African gods fail when the White man came enslaving? Or, didn’t the
people call to the gods?
I have no respect for Nigerians politicians. I take their words
with a pinch of salt. But I agree with the position of the
representative, Osun-Central senatorial district in the Senate, Prof
Olusola Adeyeye, who, taunting money ritualism, volunteered to put his
neck on the chopping block for money ritual – with the proviso that the
money his chopped head produces should be given to the Osun State
Government. I make bold to say that ‘Yahoo-yahoo’ boys are just chopping
off victims’ heads in vain, there’s nothing like money ritual, but they
won’t know until the heads are off. With the rate heads are being
severed across the country, there should’ve been a new set of nouveau
riche. Generally, all we have among ‘yahoo-yahoo’ boys are
‘two-million-naira-rich’ rogues, who exploited the gullibility of
victims on the Internet.
What’s the value of labour in Nigeria? How much does the most
powerful man in the country, President Muhammadu Buhari, earn? Deriving
its powers from Section 32(d), Part 1 of the Third Schedule of the
Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, the Revenue
Mobilisation Allocation and Fiscal Commission fixed the basic monthly
salary of the Nigerian president at N292,892.08 while that of the
vice-president is N252,063.04. In all, the President’s basic salary and
allowances is N1,171,568.33 per month and that of the vice-president is
N1,010,524.17 per month. Annually, the total take home of the President
is N14,058,820.00 and the vice-president’s is N12,126,290.00.
Then, how come the wife of ex-President Goodluck Jonathan
possesses funds that surpass the salaries of all Nigerian heads of state
since independence? A few days ago, Mrs. Patience Jonathan, who had
huffed all these years about the innocence of her wealth, offered to the
Economic and Financial Crimes Commission an out-of-court “amicable
resolution of all cases” the agency has against her. According to the
EFCC investigation, Mama Peace, as she’s fondly called, spent in a day
shopping spree in China, $36,458.40. Probably, Jonathan could have an
idea of the financial worth of Patience, but the EFCC insists the wealth
of the University of Port Harcourt graduate is fraudulent. The EFCC has
traced the sums of $11.8m, $6.7m and $31.5m to the former Bayelsa civil
servant. These monies exclude her enormous real estate interests. In
faraway Honduras, Rosa Bonilla, wife of ex-President Porfirio Lobo was
not as lucky; she was detained on charges of embezzling merely $500,000
in government funds.
Interestingly, Mrs. Jonathan had explained that the monies were got
from gifts donated by friends and well-wishers in 15 years, adding that
she couldn’t even remember a number of the generous donors, some of
whom gave gifts as small as N250,000. The EFCC has linked some accounts
to Mama Peace through a former presidential aide, Dudafa Owei.
Could the contents of these bank accounts be the reason why
Patience wailed at the 2015 Peoples Democratic Party presidential rally
in Lagos, “Lagosians, they send you to jail, they send your fathers to
jail, they’ve come back again; they’ll send you back to jail. Me, as a
woman, I reject to carry food to my husband in jail, I reject it! Lagos
women, are you ready to carry food to jail? Will they change? Why are
they looking for your votes today?…(Singing) If you vote APC, na your
prison, if you vote Buhari, na your prison. If you vote PDP, e go
better!?” Having vehemently pleaded innocent to the EFCC’s corruption
charges, where could Patience’s wealth have come from? Yahoo-yahoo
ritual? State treasury? Well, I believe her story; I believe that some
whimpering donors donated the monies in appreciation of the lullabies
her velvety voice sang to them. She should be left to enjoy her gifts;
Buhari has lost the prison keys to snakes.
Chai, diaris God o!
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Written by Tunde Odesola
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